Recentered

Each day you wake up, is a new day, where you can make new decisions and choose differently. This week I felt down, and didn't stick to my diet or my work out. I did a few days of cardio at the gym and that's about it. I ate crap at work and at home, though not as much as I used to.

Still after my little vacation I'm back up to 285 lbs. Still. I needed a break. I was feeling tired and depressed and  just not in the mood. Today I remind myself why I started this journey to begin with, I wanted to prove to myself who I was. Not the person I've been being, but the person I can be if I apply myself.

I found that the world is a hungry place, and as much as you give, as hard as you think you're working there's never going to be enough. Always there's more to be asked of you, reasons to feel that you've failed or fell short of the mark. I knew that intellectually, but dealing with it day to day can be challenging. So now, I've had a chance to see what it's like, to truly experience it. To get my mind strait and wrapped around it, and be ready to deal with it more as I continue. I'm far from done. I've so much more I need to do. I plan on it.  To bring myself to the place I want to be, not to prove something to others, but to myself.

I struggle with the idea that the world requires constant proof of who you are. No matter the situation, you find it everywhere. School, work, relationships, all demand that you prove your worth. To not only say your special but show how you are special, to lay tribute at their feet. I've never been much for that. I do not rise to the challenge. I ignore it. Not because I'm not up to it, but because I've never felt I have anything to prove to anyone else. I know what I am. Still. This world has no time or interest in guys like me. Prove yourself or be pushed aside, as failure to comply is tantamount to failure itself. And so the legacy of my life. Invisible and worthless in the eyes of others.

To me everyone has a beautiful soul. To most of the world, those with beautiful souls are those who become famous, preform songs, play sports, write books, create art. "Proof proof proof!" The potential is there for all, the test of  this world is to actually concentrate on that one thing long enough to produce something that grabs the attention of others. To be honest I've always just found this attitude very childish and short sighted. Everyone has a passion, and something they are particularly good at. Some apply worth to them. I  find this arbitrary at best, as people are limited and can't possibly see the way others effect the lives of those around them, or  the greater world in general. The butterfly effect.

I've always wanted something more. Some deeper than surface. Being a fat man, I saw first hand time and again how very surface most people are. How very little they dig deeper for anything. The truth is, there are layers and layers to all things, and I've been peeling them back trying to find the core of things for years and years. My quite research is the truth that lives at the center of all things. The point behind the point behind the point.

My passion has taught me many things. Some might call it magic. I've always wanted to be a wizard. In this life, magic is deeper and more hidden than in fantasy, but it's there. Finding it requires tireless dedication and the willingness to listen and watch. Patience, endurance and solitude. The path of the wizard is lonely. Now that I have discovered the secrets, I need to do the work. To bring my body into alignment with my mind and soul. The push myself more than most people ever care to, or even understand there are ways to push themselves. Now is the time to apply my knowledge to myself. To be that which I have always thought.

The caterpillar is ugly and earthbound. Hungry, constantly munching. Some who can not see would think he  is lazy, constantly piling on energy,  getting fatter and fatter. Those who look deeper will see the transformation he is readying himself for. Then the cocoon one day. The solitude and isolation as the caterpillar isolates himself, and becomes something else. Many of his friends will probably think him aloof and strange, believing of himself  more. Knowing on a deeper level there's more to him than just the fat and ugly. In the cocoon he dreams of flying, of being weightless, soaring through the world in a way he could never have before. The dreams consume him, the sensations become so real it is only his body that lacks the reality.

I may stumble. I may doubt, but I will not give up. I will not give in, because I have always known I am so much more than that. When my reality matches my dreams I'm sure people will be in awe. Just as people will be surprised to see the fat ugly caterpillar become the lovely flying butterfly. The truth was always there for the caterpillar. He never doubted, it was the world that could not believe.

So it is today I get back on the horse. I dig deep, for the energy that's more than just calories. The human spirit, the connection to the greater universe and the limitless energy that suffuses all things. Trust me when I say, there is a much deeper reality to the world than the surface one most live in and accept. I have seen it, and when I begin to live it, to express it, I'm sure people will be amazed at what I can do they can not.

The world is going to need men like me very soon. I will be ready, I just had to wait down to the wire. I've always worked better under pressure. So I get my head right. Concentrate on my goals, even if no one else understands them. I have a lot of hard work before me, but I'm up to it.

Progress So Far.

Today is May 16th, in the year of two thousand and twelve.

I am 34 years old. My birthday is January 3rd.

I currently weigh 283lbs according to my bathroom scale.

I sat down and calculated the correct weight for a man my height of 6'.

Normal body weight for a man my size as calculated by the BMI calculator found here: http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

is 137 to 183 lbs.

That means I am exactly 100lbs overweight.

This is after spending almost the past 321 days trying actively to lose weight.

I calculate the date of my heighest ever weight of 360 ish (I never weighed myself but I know it was around there), to be July 25th 2011.

The day this photo was taken.

This is me after years of sitting at a computer playing video games and eating bad food. This is a body in neglect. I realized it then. Another motivator was my father's heart attack and succesive diagnosis of diabetes. My father lives a much healthier lifestyle than I do myself and he had diabetes.

Somehow I've been lucky. I've had recent physicals, and despite my size. Which is still considered morbidly obese (Anything higher than 221lbs, is obese actually), I do not have diabetes, or any other physical ailments. I am still relatively healthy despite my physical condition. I attribute this to years of hard living as a construction worker and other various tough low income jobs, remaining constantly positive, and worry free as much as possible. Still, I was on a  path to ruin.

Not to mention my love life.

I've been considered obese since about the age of 7.

I have never been a ladies man.

I still am not. I am shy, and my years of loneliness and isolation have made me more than a little strange in attitude and behavior.

Plus. I have always considered myself ugly in the eyes of others. That is not to say that I found myself ugly, but I felt sure  that others who chose to look at me would not see a handsome or lets face it, desirable mate.

To be honest I still don't. 

This picture was taken today. May 16th. 2012.

This is the picture of a man who carries an extra 100 lbs of flesh on his body. This is what a morbidly obese person looks like according to medical study.

Today I worked for 11 hours, out in the rain and the sun. I outworked a perfectly fit and healthy 19 year old man who started working for our company last week. He was tired by 1pm. We worked till 5pm. I could have worked all night. I was building 4 times as much form as he was, lifting carrying, and trying hard to show him how to get where I was.

After I am done writing and posting this. I am going to go do P90X Arms and Abs routine. Then do homework for my Psychology class at GCU Online. Then pass out, wake up at 5:00am and do it all again.

78 lbs down. 100 lbs until I am "normal". Until I am fit. Until I'm in the best possible shape I can be.

I can't wait to see what I can do with that body. Until I'm not teathered to the ground anymore, burdened by shear heaviness. My aching joints, my tired un loved back. Sore and aching. Laying down to bed. 

Laying down as I have the last 12,172 days, in a bed alone. I subtracted the 10 days when that  wasn't so.

It's been a long road. And I fear I have longer still to tread. I am tired. Aching, weary and beleaguered in mind, body, AND soul, but I will not stop. Not now. Now that I've started to turn things around.

Now that I've come so far.

When you've been running in a bowl of water clockwise for a long time, turning counter clockwise, at first it can be very hard. But, the more your push and fight, you CAN turn it back. It takes SO much effort. I know I've done this to myself. I know that the sum of my life is completely the total of my choices.

The first 34 years of my life have been trying to figure out who I am. What I'm doing here on this planet. What's it all mean? Where do we go when we die? Who's in charge? What's the best course of action to live most successfully on planet earth?

You know those big giant questions no one ever asks, or expect answers to. Well. Like it or not. I got them. They came to me. Almost like I had no choice but to learn.

After high school, I found myself craving to know God. A true God. To understand what life was about. What's it all mean.

My parents grew up Christian. They remained Christian until I was approximately 5, and then we stopped going to church. I still dealt with it on and off through neighbors, and Christian summer camps.

I had so many questions for those places. Questions that required answers from some one other than a priest, who had a vested intrest in the answer. I wanted TRUE answers. Ones I would feel comfortable with.

Over the years they began to come. Answers to questions like: 

If each Christian faction believes they are the one and only true understanding of God and God's word, and hold the key to the afterlife, where you will live in eternal happiness and joy (heaven), or never ending damnation and torture (hell), how do you know which one is REALLY correct?

My answer was, you can't know.. There's no way to know but to randomly pick and HOPE they are right, OR, no matter what you do, when you die you go to never ending torture you can't ever escape from. This seemed like an important topic to be sure about.  It always has to me. 

So I went nuts.. I started studying them ALL. Everything. All the religions. I asked people, I quizzed them, I read books, I took the time to listen.

I began to make up my own mind about the different subject while holding off any judgments about them. I have learned over the years sometimes I don't have the right information on certain subjects too have them tottally make sense to me at first. I remain open to all ideas, but I edit nothing of my own beliefs unless I can test the theory first and make it clear to my personal reality that it's useful and correct.

Living this way, remaining open to answers, but non conditional about WHERE or WHAT they came from, I began to see a pattern. Events played out that allowed me to find answers in the most unusual ways and places.

I began a journey of discovery and growth after high school and in the some sixteen years after graduating high school, I have been many places in New England. I have learned many things. I have seen many things. I have come to find answers to my questions. Peace and joy in life. I learned to love, and I learned what it means to be and spread happiness to the world. I began to find that life became easier. Once I had forged a true connection to the divine that surrounds all of us, and in a very real sense it powers me, even as overweight as I am.

It is more than time for me to pull myself together. Quite literally. I have worked hard all my life to maintain mental fitness. I have spent the last 16 years learning how to find true and powerful spiritual balance. Now I must attune my body as well. To bring it all together. Once I have THAT focus. THAT knowledge. THAT body. I can't wait to see who and what I can be.

On another level, I hope this might help to inspire others to find the will with in themselves to change  their lives for the postive as well. To believe they can do it. I promise you. If I can do this at 34, after so many years of living a life of obesity, anyone can.

All you need is the power to believe in yourself. The drive to push yourself to your very limit as long as you can. To stick to your word and show that you have discipline, character and commitment. To get back on the horse when you fall down and just keep going. 

The biggest secret to life that I learned over the  years, and the one that is helping me now is this. 

You are so much more than you give your credit for. You are amazing. You have forgotten that about yourself. You have forgotten how wonderful life can be if you simply do your very best all the time.

My plan now, as it always has been as long as I remember is to enjoy life, and leave it a little better than how I found it. 

My Idea of Paradise

So..

When I listen to Paradise by Coldplay:

I imagine a world were people finally get it. They get along. They evolve, they work together as a team conscience and aware that they all AND the planet need to survive. That we have the tools to make life a paradise NOW. That those strong enough and powerful enough to effect change --->> Each and Every One of Us. That is, every individual can effect positive change in their world, and come together to make it better.  If we concentrated half as much on trying to get clean reliable energy, gas, health care... With out monetizing things. To just do things to do them well and ever act to bring better harmony with each other and the world.

I get giddy thinking about every person I meet being an evolved and adult personality, mentally, physically and spiritually. All three parts of who they are well tended and at peak condition. Each motivated by their own internal desires simply to DO BETTER, for no other reason that they should do their best and help make the world a better place around them.

I think about what THAT attitude alone would do for the world. To see people quickly evolving and pressing themselves to grow and changed. Challenged awake and alive. I'm sure people of every walk of life would begin to find themselves living lives more fulfilled and truly happy moment to moment. People who follow their dreams and find themselves realizing them, with each other, accepting.

This is a world were money is thrown out the window as a bad system for people to get along well with each other and the planet.

People would keep doing what they do. Unpaid, but now, with out money they can work together to do these things to the best of their abilities with out limits. People alive and awake and aware of the world, each other and their connection to all things. People who had a God they could understand, be friends with, and even love. These people would know themselves to be inside one of the most amazing vehicles of evolution. Human.

They would see that their life is actually TRILLIONS of living single celled organisms that work together as a unit to make up "them". They would understand the miracle of that. They would understand the miracles that surround them in every "mundane" moment of their lives. They would live with wonder and awe and gratitude. They would live their lives knowing love, and to be loved. They would share unconditionally and work always towards the betterment of all. A common goal all can achieve, simply by choosing to be that way. To wake up tomorrow and choose to act differently. It's that simple. Anyone and everyone could do it right now. This world could change in a heartbeat, if enough people simply could be the way I envision them, and in fact KNOW them to be.

Millionaires, tomorrow could start giving out their money to people who need it. Doing good will for those impoverished around them. They could be heroes of a magnitude un thought of before. The adoration and desire to be known and remembered would be instantaneous in those people they had helped, and soon the world would praise them for their kindness and generosity. That pfizer, a company run by people. YOU and ME, could say tomorrow that selling chemicals simply because they are patent-able even IF that makes them have negative side effects, is wrong. With no money to worry about, they could task themselves to a deeper challenge. How to get the most out of the natural world and how best to give it to everyone around the world in wholesome and healthy ways. Tasked with finding cures to human ailments through the power of all walks of knowledge, that each contribute and expand on the intricacies of the whole.

That humans would wake up tomorrow and really want to get fit and  healthy. To all work together and help each other be the best us we can all be. To train and push ourselves to know that we limitless, always expanding outwards on so many levels. Curiosity nourished, not squelched. To find and see humans as they were meant to be. To give up disease, and death. To become healthy and whole individuals for as long as they cared to persist. To work together to find truly good solutions to current problems like population and living, as well as energy and transportation.

How many resources ALONE could the world save if it just gave up war. Just stopped doing it tomorrow. If people woke up and said.. "Fuck this. This shit is stupid. I'm no longer going to kill another human being, that's not me." And war STOPPED. Ended. Swords to plowshares... To push ourselves to be all inclusive, and understanding that we need the Earth far more than it needs us. That we have responsibilities to tend the garden that was given us. This amazing planet that sustains us, and can easily sustain us ALL if we chose simply to co-operate instead of try to run by allowing a few to be elevated and always having more. True equality.

This dream, I have while I listen to that song. It makes me smile. Because it's peace I see.. It's peace and happiness for all.

And to be honest. That's what I want. I want that amazing moment when I somehow find a way to save all humanity and the world. Find a way so EVERYONE wins and that they can all be forgiven. That life can be enjoyed with out the requirement of drama to make us feel fulfilled.

The advances in humanity alone that could be made if religion and science stopped fighting and started working together. To make advances in ALL fields available to humans. To not argue but to build bridges, to make connections and strengthen them.

If all races came together, to help one another and see importance in all beings that live, be it man, beast, bug, plant, or single celled organism. To be alive and curious and always growing, adapting, changing, self teaching, aware, healthy. At their peak, so to speak.

The game can all be changed in a heartbeat. People can actually choose to decide as individuals to stop playing it, and the world will change. It's just that simple. An idea to spark. A feeling to grow. To see ourselves in others, to see the world reflecting us. To be respectful to all of it. Glad for inclusion. Happy to know your creator. Happy to know your purpose. Happy because your life was WELL LIVED, and STUFFED to the gills with moments of joy, adventure, fun, hope, dreams, creativity, and most of all LOVE.

That people pulled the stoppers right off the love in their hearts and started giving it to everyone all the time. To wish people well and mean it. To WILL it yourself. To know kindness and compassion in all people and see it returned. To find ways to allow ourselves to enjoy all aspects of  life, in sane, rational, healthy, and positive ways.

And lost in that world, in that paradise, I smile. Transported by my imagination, and a song.

Heart Broken

I have to admit that I'm very upset today.

I looked in the mirror today. I mean REALLY looked.

This is how it made me feel...

My life is a shitty mess. Many good things have passed me right by. Worst of all I deserve them. Because I chose them.

I did this to myself, and now it might be to late to get back. To be the fit confident man I COULD have been. Not this. Not this thing. This monster, that most people won't look at, and worst of all I can't look in the mirror and feel good about.

I've filled reams of paper on my feelings about being fat. More than most people would care to even look at. I think my mom is pretty much the only person that even looks at my blog consistantly.

I've never had anything approaching a romantic relationship, almost ever. I think most people congratulate themselves for managing to look past the blob to the man when they have spent time with me, and honestly I truly feel them saintly myself, because as good a person as I'd like to be, I still can't look in the mirror or most other large people and find them attractive either. I get it.

Being fat doesn't change my mind. I mean I'm just like everyone else, but gross and slow and ugly and all over the place with shit sticking out.

I crush chairs. I've learned to carry my weight if you will, but I wonder what I could be if it wasn't on me. If I was truly fit. I wonder and dream and hope, and I think.

"Naahhhhh man. That won't ever come true! That's a fantasy! Like winning the lottery, or a princess coming to visit a beast up in a castle or kissing a frog to find a prince. Nobody looks past the cover! Not with out considerable effort!"

I'd like to think that voice wrong. Really I would. On the whole, mostly I do. But again. I know how I really feel about other fat people as well as what I see when I spend some little bit of time looking at myself. So maybe I'm just super shallow myself. Over the years I've really gotten better, but I'll be honest. I see  beautiful fit women and I find myself wanting them. I realize when I look at my romantic life, how differently it could have been for me, if I was a fit person, rather than a fat one.

Not that the relationships  I've had, though very few and strange indeed most of them have been. I just know my life would have been drastically different, to the point of realizing that man would be unrecognizable compared to what I am. And I'll be honest. I want what that Patrick has had. And I'll never get it.

I'll NEVER get those moments back. Not ever.
EVER.

So I have to shut them out. Try to forget those moments. Forget how horrible and life numbing they really were. Thinking about them now hurts. Thinking about the laughter and smiles and love. Thinking about holding her... damn it!

I can't think like that. I just can't, or I'll begin to spiral right out of control. I'll go into a funk and I won't even be able to do my homework. I could have been rich and successful by now. I could have had so much more. I could have a family. A house.

Children...

Again. Thoughts I need to not dwell on, or they will depress me. I have to muddle through another day with a smile. Be the jolly fat fucking hairy giant! Woooo!

How awesome! If women won't love me at least I can make my family and friends smile.

So I read and write and play guitar.

I needed to go change my mood. Fast foreward 15 minutes. You can choose to join me or just skip ahead. I won't make you wait the whole time..
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Okay. Last one this time. Promise. Are you still reading this or did you just scroll down past already.. Yeeesh.. Hope I didn't have to tell you that..
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You shouldn't have. Are you still reading this? Okay I'm done.

Here's ANOTHER video. This one's a bit more chipper I promise. It includes me being cool and jamming on my guitar.

Rocked it!
Take THAT OKCupid FruityBats! I'm a bad ass and you messed up. But that's fine. Life is all about second chances. And maybe one day you can earn yours. We'll see.

I'm not giving up. Not by a long shot. No.. I'm gonna rock this shit and show people how it's done.

Cause I'm lifted. I'm gifted and I'm blessed by God. I have the strength to be anything I want. Even now. Even this late in life I can make new choices. I can learn new things.

I can learn guitar.

I can go to school.

I can make mistakes.

I can be sad.

and I can feel better.

And I like me. The man I have become.

I would not change a moment of it. Not one.

Heartbroken today.

And God lifts me  right back up.

Thanks man.

"Hehe... Your welcome Pat. You knew I wouldn't abandon you man.. I love you boy."

I love you too God. Thanks so much for this.. Thanks for this life I live. Thanks for the people in it.

Anyway. You know.

"Yes. Yes I do. And I'm here. You know how to listen to me now. It's that easy."

Okay. Thanks man. I get it.

"It'll be okay dude. I haven't abandoned you. I love you."

Thanks God. I love you too!

::Tears well up in Patrick's small dense blue eyes. Glistening behind his glasses. He can't stop the sensation. He takes a shaky deep breath and fights it back down. He shakes himself, and growls. He gathers himself for the next hill to climb. His chest puffs up he drops his shoulders back::

Nope. I got this. Things will work out. I have faith.

And that will carry me through.

Most of all faith in myself, and faith for those I love. Faith in God, and faith... Just faith..

Anyway. It probably seems, reading this, that I've had a small mental break down. And maybe I did. It happens. I'm working on it. I'll get up tomorrow and start over fresh and see what I can do.

Heart broken but not dead!

Who knows what tomorrow brings. Only one way to find out. Live it and see.

I got this.

To the Heart of the Matter

Dear women,

I love you.

I love ALL of you. I pretty much always have. I suppose that's why it hurts me so much when I feel like you reject me.

I have lost track of the number of times I have been smitten by you. Puppy love some call it. That instant and irrational infatuation, that leaves your belly doing flip flops and your eyes constantly looking for reasons to steal just one more glance.

I love the way your bodies are made. Your curves. The lines that are soft and smooth. The pout of your lips. The fullness of your lashes. The roundness of belly into hip into thigh. The way your hair falls just so across your cheeks. The radiance of your eyes. It's the soft bells of your voice, or the way you laugh. It's millions of things I can never describe properly or even give words too.

It's a feeling inside me, that reassures me that the divine exists, and it exists in you. I have never doubted the existence of a God, because only something so powerful could create something so beautiful.The multitude of ways you are startlingly and breathtakingly beautiful to me seem almost endless. Every new woman I meet a fresh surprise of loveliness. The ways that you so easily capture my heart with out having to do a simple thing but be.

One would think that eventually, exposed to all this beauty,  that it would become mundane. The way a snowflake is mundane, though it is a unique and incomparably breathtaking mandala from heaven. It has never happened. Each one of you steals a bit of my heart, and takes it with you always. The joy of your presence always outweighs the pain of that loss. When I am alone, that throb haunts me. The memory of you is imperfect and unsatisfactory to my greedy heart.

Each time I see you, it is like spotting a unicorn. Seeing something of unsurpassed beauty, something magical and not quite real. Each time I think to myself how something so precious and lovely could never, ever be part of my life. How it can only be studied, watched, and how I'm thankful just for that.

And maybe you're right. Maybe my loneliness and infatuation has made me delirious and stupid, unreasonable. Perhaps expectation far outweighs the reality of who you are. Perhaps.

The other day at the gym I saw a lovely blonde woman. She was fit and trim. She looked at least old enough to drink. Her beauty made her look rather ageless to me. The way she dressed, her outfit clinging to her every curve, left me unable to pull my eyes away from her, long after I knew it was indecent. For awhile she came and stood nearby my machine. She just stood there, as if on display, looking at nothing in particular. It reminded me of that magical moment when you happen upon a doe in the woods. That moment when, distracted with eating, she realizes you are there. She stops and lifts her head. She is still, like a perfect statue, unmoving. Rare, and lovely, breath taking. The seconds ticked by like hours, and in  that brief moment I was happy simply to be alive. To know such a beautiful thing could exist, and that I had seen it.

Later, I saw her leaving with a massive and muscular man. Some behemoth in a TapOut tshirt, who looked like the poster child for testosterone. I had been so absorbed with her, that I hadn't even realized he was in the gym and they where together until they left, chatting side by side. I wondered what he would have done, had he seen me just staring at his girlfriend so. I imagined he would probably want to punch me. To make an example of me. To prove his virility to her, and everyone else in the gym. That is the predictable sort of thing men tend to do, and women tend to appreciate.

As I ran, I imagined confronting him. I imagined talking my way out of it, much as the hero of a Grim Fairy tale talks his way out of being eaten by a troll. I would supplicate  myself before his obvious might. And then I would stroke his ego and challenge him to a contest. "A simple race, and the prize would be her." I imagined us side by side on the elliptical machines, her, on the stair stepper ahead. To me, that is all the motivation I would ever need. I felt sure, in that moment, with that challenge that I could outrun him. Not because I was faster than him, but because my want for her was far greater than his. While he would be racing me to beat me and stroke his ego, I would be racing for her, and in that moment, there was nothing on this planet I could imagine wanting more.

And perhaps he still would have beat me. I know one thing. If she was to look at me, she would have seen how much I wanted her. A look I'm sure he probably would never give her. A determination so raw, nothing but death would stop me.

But. Life is not like that. Only fantasy. Like the romance you all desperately crave. Unreal. Most men are amazing at learning what you want, and doing what ever it takes to appear to be that. It amazes me how easily you all fall into it. It amazes me how naked I am before you, and how little you could want me because of it.

I have become used to becoming exposed at your presence, and feeling the biting chill of your complete indifference. It never becomes any easier, but I have learned to continue on, as if unaffected regardless. This is the dichotomy of me and you. To feel so very blessed in your presence, and so cursed by the torture of not being able to find the path that leads me to you. The greater the beauty, the higher that fall.

How silly a boy I am. How sad.

For this hell for me seems inescapable. Unless I build a ladder. A ladder I don't have the tools or skills to create. Yet that does not matter. Like it doesn't matter how honest I am, how in love, how pure, how good, how smart, how mature, how able, how strong, or how stable. What matters is the game you play. The game dictated by centuries of evolution. The chase. Always the chase.

The rules you can't break from, no matter how many men repeatedly cheat the system. Now matter how many good men it destroys, breaks and leaves helpless. The very men you claim to want the most. No it's the rules that matter. And your expectations. There is no bending on this. Ever.

You are all such terrorists with your chromosomes. With  your love. With your presence. It amazes me that you can never see the irony in the situation. Demanding that a man be dominant and assertive, where infact the very act and demand annuls such a reality.

Ultimately. I am the dominate one. Truly. You can not dictate my actions to me. Your demands can never sway me, regardless of your charms and whiles. Regardless of how much I want you, and how much it hurts not to have you. I flip the game around, back at you, and demand the very things YOU demand from me. Your chastisements, punishments and threats do not affect me enough to change that.

That is strength. To stand up to your shameless bullying, even when no one else will. Even when the price paid is constant torture and loneliness.

And so we both say,

"I am sorry. This is who I am. I require this, and nothing will change it. I am worth this."

Zen and the Art of Surviving the Apocalypse

Zen and the Art of Surviving the Apocalypse

Chapter One

Beginning at the End

      Oliver stared upwards into the expansive barren branches  of the massive, and ancient oak tree. It was creeping towards evening and dark steel grey and black storm clouds were making their ponderous way across the sky. Their presence made the air feel heavy and cold with their passing, pregnant with moisture. He walked in a slow circle counter-clockwise around the thick gnarled trunk, his battered boots kicking up it's fall shed with a soft  "ThssssSH ThssssSH Thsssh". His toe lifted and  his heal dragged through the brick-ah-brack just to emphasize the sound made as he moved through the leaves. His intense, be-speckled blue eyes gazed raptly up at the thunderclouds as a rift formed in them, and the sun's warm and golden light colored the cloud's cottony edges with bronze, silver, brass, and even gold.
    
    He knew how he must have looked; a big, dirty beast of a man staring up like that, his clothing ripped and ragged, his hair unkempt and tangled, his boxy glasses glinting in the breaking light. He pondered how in a different life some one might have seen him gazing entranced up through the skeletal and tangled branches of the magnificent old plant and accused him of being dull or childish. Lost contemplating this tree, older than him by far, ten, maybe twenty times over. Looking up as he circled, the tree made the light dance and sparkle through the black outline of the branches.  His eyes focused on the clouds behind the dark branches causing a kaleidoscopic effect with the soft light of the sun over the clouds, painting an ever shifting and awe inspiring view.


   He did not really count the number of times he walked around the tree. It might be four, it might be four hundred. He did not really care at that moment, just watching the sky, a show of colors and light that can only be played out on the stage that is earth. He had to stop after awhile though and adjust his view. Some one was standing directly in front of him, blocking his way. He did not see this person approach. He or she wasn't there before. This person towered over his own six foot height by almost double.  Oliver has never been able to figure out if Azizieal was male or female. He did not really think that it mattered, for the angel was both handsome and beautiful at once. Azizieal's form was never quite the same every time, because Oliver was comfortable with the reality that the angel could assume any human form it wished. Still, there was no question in Oliver's mind that this being blocking his path was his angelic friend.


   Azizieal chuckles down at Oliver, placing a slender, warm and firm hand on his shoulder. "You know you don't have to walk windershins around the tree to summon me?" The voice of the angel sounds soft and brassy, sweet and approving. The words of an old and loving friend, which Azizieal was. Oliver was often visited in his dreams by the angel, his guardian.  Sadly, the first time they met that way, Oliver was informed, despite the fun and good times both had in his dreams, upon waking, he must never be allowed to remember what he had done or saw. Despite this Azizieal promised the boy a gift from their friendship, for every morning he would awake feeling happy and refreshed.  That feeling rose in him now, which bubbled from his chest in a soft rolling chuckle. "Yes I know. I just liked looking up at the clouds and seeing how they moved behind the tree limbs." Oliver replied unembarrassed. He hid nothing from Azizieal, and knew that he was never judged for his actions in the angel's eyes.


    The beautiful angel smiled and removed his hand folding both of them behind his back. "You should be careful, walking widdershins around things can end you up in the fairy  lands." The voice was pleasant and soft, and Oliver could never quite tell when the angel was joking with him. Instead of a response he simply smiled. "How is the journal coming?" Azizieal asked tilting his head to the side, the soft golden ringlets of hair brushing across those beautiful facial features and into his bright golden eyes. Oliver shrugged his broad shoulders. "I write in it every day just as God asks. I do my best to bolster faith and encourage. I pray it's enough." 


    Azizieal nodded pursing her lips. "You're stirring up a great deal of interest. Entire soul groups are watching you almost constantly. You've sparked more than a few debates among them. Light and dark both." Oliver snorted and grinned. "It's funny, I seem to be running into the dark ones more than the light." The thirty something man replied. "You know it doesn't work that way Oliver. The light knows better to interfere directly, even now. They can inspire, and suggest, and help in ways you can never be aware of, as those are the rules of what they are." the angel pointed out calmly. She was always so calm. Oliver shruged and nodded. "I know. I know. Just like you. Though it is good to see you like this. Now. Here. It keeps me going." Oliver said this, and there appeared to be a sudden weight on his shoulders, and a tiredness to his tone. It passed quickly. The angel simply embraced the man and held him close. Oliver closed his eyes and basked in the warmth and radiance that spilled from the angelic presence. Washed in the love and light of a being so close to the source as to make her almost indistinguishable from it. When the hug ended the angel was no longer there. Oliver stood there quietly, as he watched the dark clouds swallow up the sun's bright golden rays, leaving the world dark and cold.


    The tree was at the edge of a large field. As the cold set in, a low pressure sent wind whipping across the summer grass.  The wind was cool and moist, carrying with it the promise of rain. Casually Oliver walked to the middle of the field where he had left a car battery and his back pack. He rummaged through his backpack removing an iPod and a plug in speaker dock. He flipped  through the iPod till he found a suitable song, and plugged it into the 6 strip plug in at the top. He stood dusting off his knees as the wind swept field began to fill with the sounds of music. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXZtIpuZa8c )

   Stepping away from the backpack and the music, with a fluid motion he had practiced many times Oliver pulled out a pair of octagonal wooden nuchaku. Holding them folded together, he raised them over his head and began the stretching routine he used to limber up, feeling his muscles wake up, shivering in the cool winds that caught his hair  under his hoodie and flipped it back onto his neck. The air crackled and pulsed with energy, as the storm gathered, he could feel the presence of thousands of souls gathering to watch him. Their unseen eyes arrayed about him like spectators in a Colosseum, this field his gladiatorial arena. In the back of his mind he could hear Azizieal, addressing the unseen multitude of spirits, human and otherwise, as if an announcer before a large stage show. He could almost see the light that poured from his friend as he stood impressively before the invisible crowd, raising his arms high calling for their attention with a voice both booming and musical.

    "Before you stands a human! A child of God! A simple man, who lived a life completely ordinary. Before you stands the perfection that lies in every man and woman on earth. Created over thousands of years of evolution, a being so capable, when his purpose is met with that of his maker, his heart and will so indomitable, no obstacle is to great! Tonight this marvel, an evolution of mind body and spirit will challenge no less then 250 of the walking dead in singular combat armed only with martial weapons! Tonight you will see what the righteous and the just can achieve!" Around him Oliver could feel the energy of those multitude of souls as their excitement built. In the distance along the edges of the field black figures began to emerge.

    "Behold! The walking dead approach! Lured by Oliver's music, like moths to a  flame! The disease that infects them, created by man to annihilate each other, has served it's purpose, the end has come for most of humanity. As they plagued the planet  with their greed and gluttony, so too have they become plagued by something as malicious as them! The world, as it was designed responded in kind to their avarice! Ignorant of the reality of the world and how it worked, despite repeated warning from the Lord GOD! The mirror has been held up to them, and they have had to answer for their actions. Behold as they rot and do not die!"

   As Azizieal continued his litany, the zombies drew closer to Oliver. He forced himself to look and see every one of them. Each man woman and child dead and risen again, as monsters, rotting and yet still moving. To see the people they once were, to see the humanity and life they had once held, stripped from them in pain and madness. The movies never properly captured the horror of such a reality, despite it's special effects, it was the smell that hit you the most, the terrible stench of rotting flesh. Besides their terrible groans and shambling steps, the  constant buzz of flies lingered about them, another reality that could not be properly expressed. The world would reclaim the dead, nothing was beyond breaking down and returning to the dust and soil it had once sprung from, the flies and maggots proliferated beyond number. And with them the beasts that feasted upon such things, bats and birds. The crows began to descend, murders in the hundreds, called to usher the dead back to the underworld after Oliver had finished with them. Their caws began to fill the air, signalling a feast, to the other black raptors. 'Food in plenty!' went the shrill cry from many a dark  throat, as they too settled to watch the spectacle.

    Oliver drew from his hip holster his off hand weapon, a tonfa, held in defensive grip, the length of wood paralleled to his forearm, acting as a shield, six inches of heavy black wood extending out in front of his fist, adding to his punching range. He thought of the words of Bruce Lee as the shambling once humans approached, the aura of 'casual cool' descending upon his large yet rather unassuming frame. He was fit and muscular, but not overly so, certainly nothing that would be put on a magazine cover. He was simply a man who had worked hard all his life, the combination of his experiences coming together to prepare him for a moment such as this. His faith welled up in him, as he felt the presence of the souls, his guardian angel and the infinite power of God flooding him. His stance changed, his muscles becoming loose and his movements fluid and catlike. His senses expanded as he allowed himself to become aware of the entire field, feeling every presence there, the zombies and the disease that controlled them coming to the forefront of his perception.

   He tapped into the wellspring of divinity that he had cultivated, the light and power of it charging him, and he became calm as his muscles tingled and thrummed with the thought of the duties they would soon be asked to preform. From his lips Oliver's prayer began to fill the dark and stormy field. As he spoke, he began to move among the dead. His weapons flew as if extensions of him, again remembering the teachings of Jeet Kun Do, focusing on where he wanted the force to be applied, and when, and allowing the actions to guide him. At moments like this he felt most alive, a puppet to something far greater than him.  Cradled in the warmth and love of a being so powerful, that it could create all that Oliver had ever seen and understood. The zombies fell about Oliver as he seemed to almost dance between them, nuchaku and tonfas moving so fast as to be almost impossible to follow. The power of the chi he summoned building in his chest and surging up his arms in powerful waves, that flung the monsters back like bowling pins. They fell like trees under the ax of an experienced woodsman. The zombies never stood a chance.

    Oliver spoke in a clear and powerful voice, every bit as compelling as Azizieal's, resonating as loud as the music across the field of wind swept grass. "I am the son of God, creator of all that is seen and unseen, known and unknown. It is that which guides my hand, and in God's glory do I express myself, ever grander! I see the beauty and wonder that has been created for me to experience, and I bless every moment of my existence. As I walk the path of God, the greatest expression of myself can not help but be known, for God's will is my will! It is through my example that all others will see what it was always meant and promised for them to become. It is through my actions that all that exist will understand God's purpose, and through my voice will they hear God's word! I am the shepherd of God's playground! I am love's greatest champion, and the protector of the weak, a light even in the darkest of times! Behold the glory of a man who has communed with the infinite! My power is just and my will unstoppable!"

   The spirits watched Oliver not so much fight the zombies as simply use them as training. It was effortless how he felled them. Skulls crushed, legs broken, ribs caved in. The power that radiated through Oliver, channeled into his weapon and blows sent the rotted men and women tumbling into the crowd of others like rag dolls. He was aware of their every presence, every single zombie in that field was in his mind and accounted for, none could surprise him. He placed himself among them as if he had fought this singular fight a million times over and knew every move and motion, as if he knew every exact place to be, and every action to take. The sky opened up, as thunder rumbled across the landscape. Huge drops of rain began to fall. Lightning flickered through the clouds lighting the clearing with daylight intensity for seconds at a time. Heavy sheets of rain began to drench everything, saturating the air with constant liquid. As Oliver's blows contacted and the energy flowed from him, the impacts that slammed into the zombies like cannon balls, displaced the rain, showing large diameter circles of empty space in their wake, clearly defining the force and impact of each hit.

   Dozens lay unmoving and broken, the bodies so twisted that the disease that drove the cells to work even beyond the point of rotting could not compel them onward any longer try as they might. Still more approached, and in greater density. It seemed like Oliver would be over run. surrounded on all sides by these fearless and tireless abominations. No matter how fast he moved or how much force he mustered he could not keep them all at bay, and the circle around him began to quickly tighten and draw closed. A murmer went up among the collective watching him. 'Had the man taken on to much?' 'Would this be the end?' Oliver seemed unphased by the direness of his situation, moving as quickly and easily as he ever had. In the grip of pure faith in his God. Over head, thunder roared so loud it seems the heavens themselves were making their presence known. A fraction of a second later light filled the clearing as lightning touched down right into Oliver! He roared as he absorbed the blow of the massive discharge of static energy, the bolt so big it seemed the diameter of a Volkswagen. Electricity surged from his  body in all directions, the wet zombies sizzling and jittering, stopped in their tracks as the power filled them, and cooked every cell in their bodies. All about Oliver, over a hundred gathered zombies fell were they stood, smoldering and burnt destroyed in a heartbeat.

    Silence took hold of the field, only the soft patter of heavy raindrops in the grass could be  heard, as one dark figure remained standing. Oliver, untouched and unmoving, his head bowed, as if in prayer and concentration, remained. The air around him quivered like  heat coming off pavement in the summer. He took a deep breath, and suddenly, his arm shot into the air, the nunchaku dangling from his fist in an expression of triumph! There is no way to explain the sudden excitement of spirits. Something akin to a crowd roaring with applause and cheers, yet there being no sound, simply waves of exstastic energy emitting everywhere at once around the man. Oliver welcomed it, allowing the invisible adoration to wash over him as did the rain, soothing his aching and hot muscles. His chest rose and fell steadily as he took in deep breaths of air. He sheathed the tonfa and the nunchaku in quick fluid motions, making the weapons disappear like a magic trick.

    His true work began as the ravens began to descend in multitude around him and feast, returning the rotting and dad back to the earth they had come from. He jogged back to his backpack and the music of the Ipod. Flipping through the channels until he found another song,, more fitting his new purpose. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wfYIMyS_dI&ob=av2e) Once the music began he sorted through his backpack pulling out a large leather pouch full of seeds. He began to move through the dead and still corpses and a pushing a seed into the ground under them, before rolling them on their back, their hands folded across their chest, and closing their eyes if he  could, each in turn. The ritual was important, returning the dead to the earth, and planting a seed of new life below them, each soul trapped inside the body. The dead moved not so much from the virus inside them, as from the soul sickness many humans had suffered and not knew it. Unable to understand the important role that spirit played in their life, didn't make it any less needed. As an untended wound festered so did the spirit of people around Oliver, souls trapped in bodies making them restless and endlessly hungry. As he took the time and patience to care for each in turn, through the pouring rain that now drenched him, the souls were free from their decaying prison.

    In time 250 more souls joined those that were already following Oliver. Confused and frightened, but welcome by the fold of light and guidance that would be shown them by Oliver's spirit followers, and ushered into the next step of their journey. Though Oliver was only dimly aware of this reality, he realized it's great importance, and it had become the purpose of his life to help the humanity he loved reconnect with the soul they had turned their back on. It was the rot and sickness of the untended soul that had caused the horror and devastation, that  even now surrounded Oliver on all sides. The world was in ruins, humanity, dead and dieing so that only thousands living remained. He knew this because the Universe knew this, and he was able to tap into the limitless knowledge of it some called the Akashik record, one of the many benefits of a well tended soul. He stood and dusted off his dirty knees, the rain starting to die down in intensity as the clouds passed overhead on to bring their life giving water some where else that needed it. He stared towards the horizon. In the far distance to the west, he  watched a streak of light race towards the ground, as something large plunged through the atmosphere. Oliver had no idea what it was, but spectacles such as that were commonplace in the new landscape the earth had adopted.

    He gathered up his things, shouldering his backpack and making his way back towards the highway and his dirt bike parked in some trees.His thoughts were already turning towards what he would write next in his journal.


 "The apocalypse is kinda like growing up. There's a lot more responsibility, but there's so much more freedom. Those that are successful rise to the challenge their new reality presents. I'm constantly reminded of the Robinson Crusoe. Capable people don't see disaster, the see opportunity. This world is a garden, and we had the responsibility of being gardeners. It was our only task, to help maintain the ecosystem that supports us. It is the calling that we all desperately seek, and the greatest expression of ourselves. As has been the case repeatedly in the course of human history it often becomes easier to ignore our duties if we pretend we have none. Ignorance is no excuse. Each person has the constant duty to learn and grow, and it is their own responsibility to do so. Evolution, physical, mental and physical, is the greatest expression of every person, the fulfillment of their greatest wishes and dreams. Challenge is the tool used to foster evolution."


   "Helpful tip #32- Batteries
         Batteries are everywhere, they store power and can be used for so many applications. 9-Volt batteries rubbed against steel wool can start fires. Car batteries and adapters can be used to power every plug in appliance known to man. "


     "As always be open to the word of God brought to you through the every day experiences and encounters. The enlightened soul understands guidance is everywhere, and in often the most unlikely of places. Advice from a friend, a new book discovered, a movie watched, a conversation over heard. It is up to you to remain open and make the connections that will make the knowledge and information useful."

   

It Must Be Nice

You have no clue.
What it's like
Not to be you

How difficult it is
Compared to how startlingly simple
you get it.
Like plucking low hanging fruit
You pick and choose.
That's your drama
Your difficulty
Which fruit to pick?

Green
or
Red
or
Yellow?

Firm
or
Pliant?

Sweet
or
Tart?

Your conundrum is how you get it all.
How do you find the perfect fruit?
The one that has every taste you've sampled
and Enjoyed
Minus
The Bitterness
The Rot
The Disapointment

I'm not even allowed in the orchard.
You know.
You try to comfort me
When you don't even understand
My Problem.

You just see
A Sad
Sorry
Man
Who can't get
What you take
So Simply.

Just pluck it.

I watch you from behind the fence.
Such heartbreak.
You can't find JUST
the right taste.
The perfect one.
Hunting, you cry
for your difficulty.

And I stand strong
and watch
Silently
Wishing
For even a moment
To be what you are
To have what you throw away
To know
What you so easily
experienced.

"It's not so good over here"
You say
Pluck
Taste
"Yuck. To mealy"
Discard
Hunt

A league lay discarded
A multitude yet to pick
And I can't
Pay the price
to get through the gate

But you wave at me and smile
Briefly
So caught up in your
Major Problem.

And you cry
And I smile.

So I must be okay
And you
You must be suffering
beyond measure.

And you say
"It must be nice
to be you
Always with a smile."

"I wish
I could smile
Like That"
You muse
A tear down
Your cheek.

"I mean
Honestly
The Fruit
Has lost ALL Taste."

This  is your method of consoling.
I feign placation
After all
I don't want
to make you more
Sad.

"It Must Be Nice."